Roberts' Rules: June 2011

I have been adopted by a wonderful group of golfers at my golf course, The Santa Rosa Golf and Beach Club. This group plays every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at 8:00. I happened to show up one morning and was invited to fill in. The rest, as they say, is history.

I'm back playing with these guys after my recent back woes which kept me on the shelf for almost two months. It turned out that I had a herniated disc which impacted the sciatic nerves which in turn impacted the muscles around my left quad and knee.

The thigh bone really is connected to the knee bone, etc...Who knew?

Anyway, after some rest and physical therapy I'm doing quite a bit better and, much to my surprise, I was welcomed back into the group enthusiastically. Some of the guys even remembered my name.

I enjoy playing with this group because we're all pretty much of the same ability. By that I mean we can all go from brilliant to putrid in the blink of an eye. Also, the conversation, a very important consideration during a four hour round of golf, is always pleasant, never testy.

But the most appealing aspect of this gang is that they play according to "Roberts' Rules." The group was founded and is still headed by one Billy Roberts, a terrific gentleman from Birmingham, Alabama. Bill is a retired medical equipment salesman and a fine golfer. It is his feeling that the rules of golf are too punitive, so he has amended them with some of his own. He calls his approach "Cheating with Integrity."

Here are a couple of his best rules:

Rule 27A: If three or more players in a foursome have a miserable tee shot, then all of the players may re-tee. The rationale behind this rule is that if that many players screwed up their tee shots, there was obviously something very wrong with the tee box. Perfect!

Rule 34B: On hole #14, when the "white" tees are too far back to make the dogleg, players may arbitrarily place their tees at the extreme front of the tee box. The rationale for this is that placing the tees up front makes it easier to score a par, which, after all, is the idea of the damn game! Brilliant!

Rule 48D: Any putt for a double bogey is automatically good. The rationale here is that triple-bogeys are extremely annoying. So simple, yet so perfect.

There are a few other rules we invoke, but this gives you an idea of what the mood of this group is like. Needless to say, everyone in the group seems to enjoy golf quite a bit more than they used to when they played with people who took the rules more seriously.

The group, which usually consists of between 8-12 guys, will gather after each round to enjoy a beer or two. The other day, one of the guys revealed that he had brought a remote control device that made a loud farting sound when activated. We had him place the device in a golf bag and then placed said golf bag at the entrance to the pro shop. As each unsuspecting golfer approached the bag, the remote control button was pressed and a tremendous fart noise was unleashed from the bag. We laughed hysterically as each person looked around to determine the nasty origin of each farting sound. Sometimes it's fun to be 12 again.

Cheating with integrity. Good times...good times.

Ain't life grand?
J

Sarah's History Lessons: June 2011

During these rants and rambles, I have largely stayed away from politics. This was a purposeful decision. After all, why would I want to possibly antagonize or even annoy any of the wonderful people who provided me with so much love and support during and after Ada's beautiful battle? Also, to be frank, over the course of my lifetime, I have found most politicians to be smarmy at best. There have been very few from either party whom I could consider humble public servants, honestly promoting programs with their constituents' or the nation's welfare in mind. I thought the only notable recent exception to that characterization was Rep. Anthony Weiner of New York.

See what I mean?

So, for just this one time, I am going to break my "no politics" rule. I hope those of you who are annoyed by what follows will forgive me, and we can still be friends, but, you see, I just can't help myself. It's like "All You Can Eat Night" at the Rib Shack and this dude's diet is over!


Recently, there have been some interesting takes on big historical events, such as Paul Revere's famous ride. Some of these interpretations have entered the public arena because of one of the most interesting political figures ever to share a slice with The Donald. With this in mind, I have decided to promulgate some more of The Wasilla Wizard's unique takes on American history.

Not that it matters, but none of what follows is true. Come to think of it, none of...ahh, but why go there?

The Boston Massacre:

Conventional wisdom as well as eyewitness accounts maintain that seven civilians, including Crispus Attucks, were mowed down by British regulars in 1770 on State Street in Boston. Some people weren't happy about this and a few years later there was a war.

Not so fast, according to the Duchess of Denali. In fact, the Boston Massacre was simply a misspelling of Boston Mass-Care, a government-mandated health care plan put forth by none other than Mathias Romney, great-great-great grandfather of former Massachusetts governor Mitt. The seven people killed died as a result of harsh decisions by bureaucratic death panels, a key component of any governmental program, you betcha.

D-Day:

On June 6, 1944 over 160,000 allied troops landed on the treacherous beaches of Normandy. It was in all the papers.

Hold your horses there, says The Nome Gnome. The term D-Day actually refers to Donald-Day, which is any day during which an American citizen (with birth certificate in hand) performs at least THREE of the following functions: goes to a hair stylist; bullies a gardener; insults some other entire country; appears on television.

The Moon Landing:

In July of 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon. Thanks to Michael Collins, they were able to hitch a ride back.

"Horse-puckey," says the Seer from Seward. "I was looking up at the moon that night and saw no such thing. I did see Russia though, and, possibly Greenland."

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

So what should we make of all this? Probably not much. This wonderful Republic will continue on its course through history no matter what kind of moron is at the helm.

If we survived Millard Fillmore, Martin van Buren, and Herbert Hoover, then how bad could The Fairbanks Phenom be?

Ain't life grand?
Really!
J