During these rants and rambles, I have largely stayed away from politics. This was a purposeful decision. After all, why would I want to possibly antagonize or even annoy any of the wonderful people who provided me with so much love and support during and after Ada's beautiful battle? Also, to be frank, over the course of my lifetime, I have found most politicians to be smarmy at best. There have been very few from either party whom I could consider humble public servants, honestly promoting programs with their constituents' or the nation's welfare in mind. I thought the only notable recent exception to that characterization was Rep. Anthony Weiner of New York.
See what I mean?
So, for just this one time, I am going to break my "no politics" rule. I hope those of you who are annoyed by what follows will forgive me, and we can still be friends, but, you see, I just can't help myself. It's like "All You Can Eat Night" at the Rib Shack and this dude's diet is over!
Recently, there have been some interesting takes on big historical events, such as Paul Revere's famous ride. Some of these interpretations have entered the public arena because of one of the most interesting political figures ever to share a slice with The Donald. With this in mind, I have decided to promulgate some more of The Wasilla Wizard's unique takes on American history.
Not that it matters, but none of what follows is true. Come to think of it, none of...ahh, but why go there?
The Boston Massacre:
Conventional wisdom as well as eyewitness accounts maintain that seven civilians, including Crispus Attucks, were mowed down by British regulars in 1770 on State Street in Boston. Some people weren't happy about this and a few years later there was a war.
Not so fast, according to the Duchess of Denali. In fact, the Boston Massacre was simply a misspelling of Boston Mass-Care, a government-mandated health care plan put forth by none other than Mathias Romney, great-great-great grandfather of former Massachusetts governor Mitt. The seven people killed died as a result of harsh decisions by bureaucratic death panels, a key component of any governmental program, you betcha.
D-Day:
On June 6, 1944 over 160,000 allied troops landed on the treacherous beaches of Normandy. It was in all the papers.
Hold your horses there, says The Nome Gnome. The term D-Day actually refers to Donald-Day, which is any day during which an American citizen (with birth certificate in hand) performs at least THREE of the following functions: goes to a hair stylist; bullies a gardener; insults some other entire country; appears on television.
The Moon Landing:
In July of 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon. Thanks to Michael Collins, they were able to hitch a ride back.
"Horse-puckey," says the Seer from Seward. "I was looking up at the moon that night and saw no such thing. I did see Russia though, and, possibly Greenland."
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
So what should we make of all this? Probably not much. This wonderful Republic will continue on its course through history no matter what kind of moron is at the helm.
If we survived Millard Fillmore, Martin van Buren, and Herbert Hoover, then how bad could The Fairbanks Phenom be?
Ain't life grand?
Really!
J
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