Lyrics: December 2011

Recently, during an extensive automobile trip, I had occasion to listen to either my car radio or my Ipod for long stretches. It occurred to me that I have never understood the meaning of the lyrics in many of the songs that I have been listening to for years. Perhaps you can enlighten me.

For example, who is Rikki and why shouldn't he/she lose that number? Why would mailing it to oneself be preferable to writing it down somewhere and sticking it in one's back pocket? Isn't there some mnemonic device that would allow Rikki to remember it? Is this song really about how dumb Rikki is? I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Why is Bruce Cockburn wondering where the lions are? Is this really a mystery? I mean aren't they primarily on the Serengeti or in zoos? There used to be a real old scrawny one in Franklin Park. Maybe there is the odd one or two in some rapper's penthouse, but I think we have a pretty good handle on the rest of them.

Why does some North Ontario town leave Neil Young feeling helpless? What does a town have to do with it? Could it have anything to do with some of Cockburn's lions on the loose? Don't they offer any self-help programs up there in North Ontario? What about Canada's vaunted health care system? I mean it seems to me that Neil could be a good candidate for a little pick-me-up.

What good would sending in the clowns do? If there is one character on the ground and one in the air, how would a bunch of clowns help? Wouldn't a ladder be more useful? By the way, does Sondheim mean real clowns or a bunch of goofballs like my golfing buddies?

Why is it such a big deal that James Taylor has seen fire and rain? Who hasn't? I've personally seen both of those things as well as mud, granite, and lava. I don't go around bragging about it, though. By the way, I've also ridden the full length of the Massachusetts Turnpike as far as that goes; gave the guy exact change too!

How come Lyle Lovett feels he needs both a pony and a boat? I mean, neither one would be particularly helpful on, say, the Massachusetts Turnpike. Wouldn't most people be happy with one or the other? It seems a bit greedy to ask for both. Maybe he intends to give one of them to Neil Young to make him feel better.

While I absolutely love every song he ever wrote, I must admit that I don't understand a single thing Leonard Cohen is singing about. Chinese tea and oranges? Traveling blind? Dancing to the end of love? How 'bout dancing to the end of the song? What is a drunk doing in a midnight choir? How did he make it past the audition? And so forth...

Of course none of this confusion is apparent in those older, wonderful songs from the Great American Songbook. I mean "I've Got You Under My Skin" is obviously about a case of poison ivy, "But Not For Me," is about my attempts to win Powerball, and "My One and Only Love" is about Tim Thomas of the Boston Bruins.

Well, despite my confusion, the long and the short of it is I will keep listening whether I know what they're talking about or not.

It's the same approach I take with my financial adviser.

Ain't music grand?
J

My New Planet: December 2011

Perhaps you read about the discovery, in a "nearby" solar system, of a possibly habitable planet called Kepler-22B. I've decided to get in on the ground floor of this baby and have recently purchased the left half of this planet for a song. Actually, I purchased just a little bit more than the left half, which gives me naming rights.

I'm naming the planet, "Joel." I think we were all tired of all those ancient gods anyway.

I purchased this real estate from an agent named Marge at a local Century 21 office. When I asked if she had any pictures of the property, she indicated that it would be 2068 before they could be developed. I probably should have been more skeptical, but I'm the trusting sort.

I guess this makes me the ultimate speculator.

I chose the left half of Joel because that half has a southern exposure. At least I think it does. There seems to be some question about where the sun is in that solar system.

I am determined that my half of the planet will be open for business to any and all regardless of race, creed, national origin or baseball team affiliation. I envision a half-planet with all the conveniences of the 21st century combined with the charm and innocence of the 1950's.

Steve Jobs meets Ozzie Nelson.

Of course as the only land-owner, I do feel it is within my rights to set up a few, shall we say, zoning restrictions on my half of Joel. I don't think any of these would be considered onerous or would offend anyone's libertarian sensibilities. If they do, you could always go live on the other half!

1. No one will be allowed to start a business or enterprise that begins with the letter "E"...you can't send e-cards or e-bills, e-manifestos or e-sermons. There will be no e-updates. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a new letter.

2. There will be no reality television allowed. The Kardashians, Atlanta housewives, and Dr. Phils will all have to go get real jobs. If Rachel Ray wants to cook, she can damn well work at a restaurant. How about one called "Planet Joel"? It has a nice ring to it...like Saturn! Of course there will be plenty of other employment opportunities on my planet. If you're good at making maps, I could use you right now.

3. Everyone will have to take Latin. I know it's irrational, but it's nostalgic for me.

4. All restaurants will have to be slow-food establishments. One of the hamburger joints will have a sign that reads, "Over 12 served."

Maybe the other investors and I will get together and work out the rest of the details, but this does provide an interesting premise: If we could start over with a ready-made planet, what changes would we make? How would we avoid the mistakes we and our ancestors have made on this one: wars, famine, genocide and religious intolerance, the NFL overtime rules, Paula Abdul, Newt Gingrich.

If we had a totally clean slate, would we end up any better than we are now? Is "human nature" such a powerful force that any new planet would eventually become substantially a clone of the one we have now?

I'm anxious to find out. If you're interested in a quarter or third of a planet, send me an e-mai...oops...

Call me.

Ain't life grand?
J