Perhaps you read about the discovery, in a "nearby" solar system, of a possibly habitable planet called Kepler-22B. I've decided to get in on the ground floor of this baby and have recently purchased the left half of this planet for a song. Actually, I purchased just a little bit more than the left half, which gives me naming rights.
I'm naming the planet, "Joel." I think we were all tired of all those ancient gods anyway.
I purchased this real estate from an agent named Marge at a local Century 21 office. When I asked if she had any pictures of the property, she indicated that it would be 2068 before they could be developed. I probably should have been more skeptical, but I'm the trusting sort.
I guess this makes me the ultimate speculator.
I chose the left half of Joel because that half has a southern exposure. At least I think it does. There seems to be some question about where the sun is in that solar system.
I am determined that my half of the planet will be open for business to any and all regardless of race, creed, national origin or baseball team affiliation. I envision a half-planet with all the conveniences of the 21st century combined with the charm and innocence of the 1950's.
Steve Jobs meets Ozzie Nelson.
Of course as the only land-owner, I do feel it is within my rights to set up a few, shall we say, zoning restrictions on my half of Joel. I don't think any of these would be considered onerous or would offend anyone's libertarian sensibilities. If they do, you could always go live on the other half!
1. No one will be allowed to start a business or enterprise that begins with the letter "E"...you can't send e-cards or e-bills, e-manifestos or e-sermons. There will be no e-updates. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a new letter.
2. There will be no reality television allowed. The Kardashians, Atlanta housewives, and Dr. Phils will all have to go get real jobs. If Rachel Ray wants to cook, she can damn well work at a restaurant. How about one called "Planet Joel"? It has a nice ring to it...like Saturn! Of course there will be plenty of other employment opportunities on my planet. If you're good at making maps, I could use you right now.
3. Everyone will have to take Latin. I know it's irrational, but it's nostalgic for me.
4. All restaurants will have to be slow-food establishments. One of the hamburger joints will have a sign that reads, "Over 12 served."
Maybe the other investors and I will get together and work out the rest of the details, but this does provide an interesting premise: If we could start over with a ready-made planet, what changes would we make? How would we avoid the mistakes we and our ancestors have made on this one: wars, famine, genocide and religious intolerance, the NFL overtime rules, Paula Abdul, Newt Gingrich.
If we had a totally clean slate, would we end up any better than we are now? Is "human nature" such a powerful force that any new planet would eventually become substantially a clone of the one we have now?
I'm anxious to find out. If you're interested in a quarter or third of a planet, send me an e-mai...oops...
Call me.
Ain't life grand?
J
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