Garments: April 2012

I had a rather jarring thought today as I was preparing for my next move from this lovely three-bedroom house on the Bay to a more reasonable two-bedroom town home on the Gulf:

 I probably don't have to buy clothes anymore.

According to the latest actuarial tables, I am pretty sure I have enough clothes to last me the rest of my life.

Gee, I'm not sure how I feel about this revelation.

I mean I've never been any kind of a fashion plate. I've been wearing the same style of clothing most of my life. I think we used to call it "collegiate" or "preppy." Chinos and a button-down shirt with un-socked loafers have been my default wardrobe selection for as long as I've been buying my own clothes. I have rarely deviated from this "look" (Does this style even qualify as a look?)

Maybe I am so locked into a single style because going clothes shopping has never been a pleasant experience for me. I've never been much of a browser. Teddi used to drag me to Kennedy's Department Store where she would shop for my clothes in the euphemistically named "Husky" section.

Let's face it. These were clothes for fat kids.

I can still remember the pain I felt every time I had to move up a waist size. I would cling to the previous waist size like a lifeline, stuffing myself into chinos or slacks with little regard for the muffin top look I had affected. "At least I'm still a 32 or 34 waist," I would gamely tell myself as I tried to find the thinnest shirt possible to tuck into the remaining millimeter of space between my stomach and the waistband of my seriously over-taxed pants. I became an expert "seam inspector" trying to determine if the seams on a particular pair of pants could stand up to the enormous pressures they were about to experience.

The concept of LOOSE was completely foreign to me.

I would try on several pairs of the same size item in hopes of finding the one pair which was a bigger 36 than the other 36's. I imagined some garment worker in Bangladesh, Taiwan or Rangoon thinking, "I'd better add just a little fabric here in case Joel chooses this one. After all, he's our best customer and he's a little bit large-boned."

If given the choice between a clothes shopping excursion and un-anesthetized eye surgery, I would have gladly chosen the latter every time. "Sure, Doc, just go ahead and drill into that ol' cornea. You won't hear a peep from me. After all, it's better than going to Kennedy's."

So in that sense, I guess I'm relieved to know that if I don't want to, I don't have to go clothes shopping for the next 20 or so years. I'd like to say 30 or so years but I wouldn't bet on it. More importantly, the folks at SBLI wouldn't bet on it either. The four pairs of jeans, four pairs of chinos, four pairs of dress slacks, and 10 or so dress shirts currently awaiting their move to the Woodland Shores apartment complex in Miramar Beach, Destin FL should suffice. Admittedly, the eight pairs of golf shorts and eight golf shirts will need occasional upgrading, as will the Boston sports team tee-shirts, socks, and briefs. These boys work very hard and, after a year or two of faithful service, they deserve a few kind parting words and a dignified burial, preferably not in an area where the water table can be compromised.

I do own one suit and about a dozen tasteful ties. I have worn that suit to some very happy and at least one extremely sad occasion. It has served me well and, as long as there aren't a whole bunch of bar-mitzvahs, weddings, or funerals coming up in quick succession, this one suit should do the trick.

Since moving down here two years ago, I did purchase four "tropical" shirts, including one cool maroon job from Tommy Bahama's. I guess I wanted to look like a local and I thought my classic blue oxford button down would give me away. Of course the Obama sticker on my Malibu gives me away before anybody has a chance to see me in my Tommy Bahama shirt so there goes that theory.

The removal of new clothing from my budget is a win-win for me. It makes the move on May 15 that much simpler and makes paying the rent on the town home that much easier.

The only people who get hurt are the salespeople at Kennedy's, God rest their souls.

Ain't life grand?
J

The Sawx Redux: April 2012

As I have done in the past, I recently invested $99.95 with MLB.TV. This was done to enable me to watch every Red Sox game on my computer. Nobody ever invested any amout of money with a more optimistic outlook. There was no way that the Red Sox could possibly duplicate the vomitatious feeling that accompanied last season's remarkable demise, forever to be called the "Fried chicken munchin'-Budweiser swillin'-teammate screwin' cluster--ck."

In hindsight, I would have been better served if I had invested $100 with any of the following:

1. Funsurgicalprocedures.TV This website allows you to look in on a number of fascinating surgeries in real time. Cool colonoscopies and spectacular Caesareans are only some of the procedures you'll enjoy with this (you should pardon the expression) LIVE website.

2. America'sirrelevantcities.com Enjoy live updates and exciting traffic-cam shots from places like Dothan, Alabama, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Killeen, Texas, and Woonsocket, Rhode Island. Watch from the comfort of your own home as actual residents buy a local newspaper or eat a sandwich.

3. Wastemanagement.TV Have you ever wondered how the crusher thingie works on a garbage truck or which refuse container the pros recommend? So have I. I've also wondered how much a termite weighs and which foods a pig won't eat but there were no websites for those.

As of this writing (about two hours after one of the worst Red Sox losses I've ever witnessed and I've witnessed quite a few) there are only four things in the world that are more abhorrent than the current Red Sox bullpen.

These are (in descending order) my toenails, my fake English accent, my putting, and Rush Limbaugh.

So, if you're following the thread here, this means that the Taliban and fracking are both better than the Red Sox bullpen.

Sad.

Obviously, I'll need to come up with another activity to replace watching this pathetic ball team every evening. It will have to be an activity in which there is no winning or losing, no walk-offs, no men on third with no outs who somehow don't score. As a matter of fact, there should be no scoring at all, which means this new activity should resemble my undergraduate years at Temple University. (I make a little joke!)

This new activity will need to cost very little since I'm already out a hundred bucks. It can not have anything to do with memorabilia, collectibles, uniforms, or hats. It must have no history, either glorious or infamous. It must be incapable of stirring emotions. Above all, it must have no rival in New York.

I believe I will become a doodler. I will spend my evenings filling endless reams of paper with nonsensical shapes and designs.

I will become Joel the Doodler.

It's one step above Joel the Blogger.

Ain't life grand?
J

(editor's note: The above was written in a desperate attempt to break the hex that currently holds sway over the Boston Red Sox. If it doesn't work, at least I tried!)