The Sawx Redux: April 2012

As I have done in the past, I recently invested $99.95 with MLB.TV. This was done to enable me to watch every Red Sox game on my computer. Nobody ever invested any amout of money with a more optimistic outlook. There was no way that the Red Sox could possibly duplicate the vomitatious feeling that accompanied last season's remarkable demise, forever to be called the "Fried chicken munchin'-Budweiser swillin'-teammate screwin' cluster--ck."

In hindsight, I would have been better served if I had invested $100 with any of the following:

1. Funsurgicalprocedures.TV This website allows you to look in on a number of fascinating surgeries in real time. Cool colonoscopies and spectacular Caesareans are only some of the procedures you'll enjoy with this (you should pardon the expression) LIVE website.

2. America'sirrelevantcities.com Enjoy live updates and exciting traffic-cam shots from places like Dothan, Alabama, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Killeen, Texas, and Woonsocket, Rhode Island. Watch from the comfort of your own home as actual residents buy a local newspaper or eat a sandwich.

3. Wastemanagement.TV Have you ever wondered how the crusher thingie works on a garbage truck or which refuse container the pros recommend? So have I. I've also wondered how much a termite weighs and which foods a pig won't eat but there were no websites for those.

As of this writing (about two hours after one of the worst Red Sox losses I've ever witnessed and I've witnessed quite a few) there are only four things in the world that are more abhorrent than the current Red Sox bullpen.

These are (in descending order) my toenails, my fake English accent, my putting, and Rush Limbaugh.

So, if you're following the thread here, this means that the Taliban and fracking are both better than the Red Sox bullpen.

Sad.

Obviously, I'll need to come up with another activity to replace watching this pathetic ball team every evening. It will have to be an activity in which there is no winning or losing, no walk-offs, no men on third with no outs who somehow don't score. As a matter of fact, there should be no scoring at all, which means this new activity should resemble my undergraduate years at Temple University. (I make a little joke!)

This new activity will need to cost very little since I'm already out a hundred bucks. It can not have anything to do with memorabilia, collectibles, uniforms, or hats. It must have no history, either glorious or infamous. It must be incapable of stirring emotions. Above all, it must have no rival in New York.

I believe I will become a doodler. I will spend my evenings filling endless reams of paper with nonsensical shapes and designs.

I will become Joel the Doodler.

It's one step above Joel the Blogger.

Ain't life grand?
J

(editor's note: The above was written in a desperate attempt to break the hex that currently holds sway over the Boston Red Sox. If it doesn't work, at least I tried!)