I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for the office of President of Most of the United States.
I haven't completely figured out which states I won't be President of should you honor me with a victory, but when I know, you'll know. That's a promise.
Oh heck, I can't stand the suspense any more than you can. Here are some of the ones that are going to be allowed in my new Republic and the reasons why:
Massachusetts: I know my way around and I speak the local dialect.
New Hampshire: No sales tax...people like that.
Pennsylvania: I know how it got its name and I love the Pirates' uniforms.
Rhode Island: Such a little cutie; low maintenance.
South Carolina: Great golf.
Maine: Lots of storage space; the whole top half is like a giant walk-in closet.
Minnesota and Louisiana: I haven't decided about the middle of the Mississippi River, but I want the top and bottom of it.
Colorado: I need at least one square one.
New Mexico: Plenty of parking.
Here are some of the ones I don't want in my Union:
Vermont: Too pretentious and a bit of a bully to New Hampshire.
Connecticut: Too hard to spell and can't seem to make up its mind between the Yankees and Red Sox.
New York: This is fun.
North Carolina and North Dakota: Sorry, but I don't want any Norths. I know it's a bit arbitrary, but sometimes you have to keep the citizenry guessing.
Texas: Their governor has said he might secede anyway; this way it's my decision.
Wow! It just occurred to me that doing it this way, I probably only need about 50 electoral votes to win. Jump on board, people, 'cause this train can't be stopped.
As far as my qualifications go, I have a long and illustrious history of public service. I was elected to the Boston Latin School Class Committee in 1963-64. To this day I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of the Class Committee was, but I served out my entire term which is more than some people can say. I was elected treasurer of the YMHA-Hecht House Aardvarks in 1963 which necessitated my keeping track of all the dues that people claimed they couldn't pay at each weekly meeting. I was also responsible for determining what we would have spent the dues on had I been able to collect any. Come to think of it, this makes the recent round of crazy deficit negotiations seem sensible. As an undergrad at Temple University in Philadelphia, I served as a floor leader in the Johnson Hall men's dormitory. Some of my responsibilities were cleaning up vomit and making sure no one had sex. The two jobs seemed to go hand in hand, although I'm pretty sure Kenny Rosenthal was able to...never mind, we'll just call that Executive Privilege. In my 31 years as an educator in Hingham, MA, I served on numerous committees. Sometimes I even went to the meetings. At Eastman in New Hampshire, I was the Tournament Chairman of the Golf Committee for three years and never managed to win a golf tournament. This speaks both to my sense of fairness and my lack of golfing ability.
I could go on and on, but I think it's best to let the rigors of the campaign reveal my true nature. Speaking of the campaign, I'm sure some of you are eager to volunteer in this grass roots effort or, more importantly, contribute cash to this historic movement. I'm not going to lie to you (yet!). We're strapped for dough, so strapped I had to let my campaign director go. It was both a financial and a philosophical decision. This guy wanted me to attack my opponents personally, focusing on old acne scars and remnants of lisps. I preferred to make this campaign about the important issues of the day like “Is Islam contagious?” and “Is there such a thing as too much caliber?”
There are some who have said that my religion might make me unelectable. After all we haven't had a Jewish president or even a nominee, although many people would be surprised to know that Dan Quayle originally spelled his name Kvell. (You'll just have to ask someone if you don't understand!) To put everyone at ease, I've decided to kick off my campaign with a giant prayer meeting at Dorchester's Franklin Field. The evening will feature some of the most inspiring prayers ever heard including “Would it have killed you to have made Israel bigger?” and “Hey, Noah, let's open a window and let the mosquitoes out, waddaya say?”
Finally, there is the question of party affiliation. To be honest, I haven't exactly been thrilled with any of the usual suspects and I may have to start my own. I'm toying with the name “Dependent” Party. It's kind of like an Independent Party with bladder problems.
Our motto could be “We're Number One!”
Sorry,
Ain't life grand?
J
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