A New Career: September 2013

Lately, I've been thinking about starting a new career.

While it's true I was a member of the workforce, in some manner or other, from 1961 through 2009, I haven't worked a minute since the beginning of 2010. Maybe it's time I got back in the saddle and started earning my medicare.

The problem is which career path to choose. I mean at this stage of my life the options are rather limited. For example there are quite a few gardening jobs available around these parts; however, I've never been known as having any kind of green thumb except for the time I snagged some of the frosting off a Celtics victory cake.

Although I was pretty good as a teacher, I don't believe I want to go down that road again. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather have live electrodes attached to my nether regions than correct even one more student essay. I know that's irrational but please don't press me on this, people. I still bear scars.

There are many restaurants down here, but I can only cook one thing (a nice grilled ribeye) so the job would have to be ultra-specialized. I did have a brief career as a waiter but the current version of my memory wouldn't allow me to revisit that occupation. I mean I can just imagine the scene:

Customer:  Excuse me, but I've been waiting here for 45 minutes and you haven't even taken my order.
Me: Stop complaining lady. If we can go another 20 minutes, we'll break a record.

Actually, I was almost out of ideas when, luckily, that wacky and adorable junior senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, burst on the national stage and provided me with my next career.

That's right, people. I'm going to be a filibusterer.  I can deliver a filibuster with the best of 'em. You need 10 hours? No problem. For 24 hours, I do require a porta potty and a fruit salad. Actually, first the fruit salad, then the porta potty. Rates are negotiable.

I can travel anywhere at any time to filibuster. My empty date book is waiting to be filled.

There's only one caveat as I see it. I have a limited number of filibusterable topics.

I can't filibuster any serious policy issues like health care, voting rights, or climate change. While having nothing to say about a serious topic didn't stop Sen. Cruz from bloviating for 21 hours, I'm afraid my conscience wouldn't permit me to do the same.

Actually, there are exactly three topics on which I would feel comfortable filibustering:

     1. Robert DeNiro movies
     2. Obscure jazz groups from the 1960's
     3. Fun and unusual uses for kettle corn


I realize that's a very specific list and may not serve anyone's purposes. In my own behalf I would like to point out that unlike Senator Cruz, I feel bound by logic, common sense, good intentions, relevance, effectiveness, intellectual honesty, altruism, and accuracy. I promise not to throw in any gratuitous Nazi comparisons. There would be a surcharge for Dr. Seuss references.

So that's it. Hire me and you'll get a man willing to filibuster the crap out of any of the above topics. I think you'll be pleased with the results and I'm nowhere near as pricey as Ted.

Are you listening, Koch Brothers?

Ain't life grand?
J "Lungs" Getman