Sarah's New Show: December 2013

 

I was excited to learn recently that Sarah Palin, sweet darling of the TeaPublicans, The Wasilla Wizard, The Fairbanks Fraud, will be hosting yet another riveting television show. This one will be called "An Hour You'll Never Get Back"  or some such and will focus on Sarah's love of the great American outdoors. Sarah, pictured above responding to the question, "Sarah, how much sense do you have?" will bring her own peculiar vision to the great environmental issues of the day.

I for one can't wait. Golly, it's appointment viewing for sure, you betcha.

Sarah's first few shows will focus on her favorite public works project, The Keystone Pipeline. In a bold stroke, Sarah, equipped with a helmet-cam, is going to have herself inserted into the pipeline at its hub in Hardisty, Alberta. In these early episodes, we'll follow sludgy Sarah through the pipeline as she looks for leaks (quite a few) and extols the virtues of this mammoth environmental disaster-in-waiting (What could possibly go wrong?) Eventually, Sarah will plop out of the pipeline somewhere near Port Arthur on the Texas Gulf Coast just in time for a greasy lunch with her benefactors, The Koch brothers. 

This thing is going to be bigger and better than Duck Dynasty.

In another series of episodes we'll follow Sarah and First Dude Todd as they raft, Huck and Jim-style, down the Mississippi River in search of "the real America." While Sarah and Todd won't be able to find this real America, they will be able to put their keen eyes on the Fox News version of America as they weave an entertaining yarn about socialism, death panels, and godlessness while trying to avoid barge traffic on the river. It's going to be Lewis and Clark meet Hannity and Beck and I for one can't wait.

The last group of episodes will bring Sarah back, kicking and screaming, to her native Alaska. Viewers will watch with rapt attention as Sarah spends a few harrowing nights in a grizzly bear den (she breaks her glasses), shoots salmon with a semi-automatic weapon, and, in a brilliant season ending extravaganza, gets harnessed to a bald eagle and soars over a number of exploding Exxon-Mobil oil rigs in the Bering Sea.

Every time we think we've seen and heard the last of The Seer of Seward's Folly, she pops up again like a half-crushed cockroach. (I worked on that simile for quite a while, thank you.)

Personally, I think she's had her 15 minutes and then some.

And that's 15 minutes we'll never get back.

Ain't life weird?

J