He is the least interesting man in the world.
He has not altered his condiment choices since 1953, the year he switched from French's to Gulden's.
When you play a round of golf with him, he will tell you the one about the 80-year-old caddy, on both the front and back nines.
After the round he will ask if you've heard the one about the 80-year-old caddy.
He has never been on a roller coaster.
His favorite amusement park ride is the merry-go-round. He prefers the stationary chariots to the wildly romping horsies.
Of the 3500 songs on his Ipod, fewer than 12 are sung or played by a living person.
His idea of a gourmet meal is when they offer pepper jack as an option for the cheeseburger.
The list of surfaces on which he has not had sex is over forty-five pages long.
He ate his first olive in 2008 and is planning on trying another next year.
Probably in the fall.
He prefers low-speed internet.
In Monopoly he always tries to buy the orange properties. Nothing else, ever. Only the orange properties. This way, he's sure he'll never finish worse than second.
His highest Scrabble word total is 18 points. He did it twice.
In Cribbage, he knows almost every way to make 15.
He's never fired a weapon, although he fancies himself quite an archer. Not with the modern carbon fiber pulley assisted bows...he's referring to the old Woolworth's variety suction cup deal. He could probably put your eye out.
He's traveled to some of the most exotic places on Earth but chose not to get out of the car.
Whenever he checks into a Comfort Inn or Sleep Inn, his preferred residences away from home, he always asks the clerk if the maitre d'hotel is in.
After a moment of awkward silence, he takes his key card and sheepishly walks away.
Whenever he visits a Gap or Old Navy, he'll walk up to the service desk and ask, "Do you folks carry anything in denim?"
Again there is usually an awkward silence as he begins his browsing.
He enjoys awkward silences.
He once hitchhiked almost 7,000 miles from Boston to San Francisco and back again without having even a single adventure.
For one of his summer jobs he was a counsellor taking elderly blind people on interesting day trips. He once took them to Boston's Museum of Fine Arts and asked the custodian to turn the lights off.
During his teaching career he would frequently tell his students, "We're having a surprise quiz next Tuesday."
Many of them didn't get it.
When any of the many Evangelicals in this part of Florida ask him his religion, he tells them he's mainly Jewish with just a touch of Incan. Then he invites them to next week's sacrifice.
More awkward silence.
He has very good friends in exactly two countries.
He is the least interesting man in the world.
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Ain't life grand?
J
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